Against Grief

How do you know when you’re grieving? And how do you understand the source of it?

It’s an honest question I have to repeatedly ask myself. I see this end of a chapter in my life in the near future, a time to embark on something new that should be exciting, right? I should be looking forward to all the joyous moments, the aspects of life that I can cherish in life decades from now, looking at all the positive memories I once had. I should be thinking about all the excitement I should have for this time, but it’s absent.

I’m grieving a time when I thought I had things in order and thought that I could at least give myself the chance to have a grip on things. I am grieving a time when I wasn’t in as much pain, in a time when I really thought I could be grateful and express such gratitude in a meaningful way. I am grieving for how little I give myself a chance to be more honest and self-critical about who I should become. I am grieving a time when I really thought I could feel secure in where I wanted to be one day. It’s all too focused on things that are out of my control.

And that’s where it seems to be the issue. I cannot for the life of me be truly critical of how and where I have gotten myself if I’m not honest about what I cannot control. I cannot expect that life will miraculously fix itself if I don’t pull myself out of whatever slump I’m in, much less also be…