Am I writing in a café in my favorite city in the world this week? Why, yes.
I am trying to figure out how to actually sustainably balance and sort out my responsibilities in life, juggling all these different parts, while trying to get through life. But I do think that at least in some capacity, I’m really trying to maximize the fact that I cannot keep taking my own life for granted day in and day out. 12 months ago, I was at home and really struggling to come to terms with my future. Today, I’m on a research trip, really invested in the work I’m developing and working through how I want to really finish writing out this thesis. My ability to just get around once again like normal, without much of a concern about my health being stressful, is relieving. It feels a little bit like I’m continuously getting closer to a better version of myself.
Whenever I get the chance to write at length about New York City, I always get a little giddy. It’s not just that I get the chance to really appreciate all the positive moments about writing from this city; it just gives me the general inspiration to really be the best version of myself. I don’t have the chance to fade into a similar level of oblivion or obscurity in my days on campus. I appreciate for once just being unknown and not running into anybody at all. I can just really sit in my own thoughts in a manner that I feel pushes me to come to more concrete conclusions about where I want to go and who I want to be. That’s something that I cannot ever quite take advantage of in the context of being a visible student on campus. I just cannot get that separation when I’m back in Chicago. That doesn’t happen.
A lot of what I’ve been asking myself in my time back in my favorite place in the world is “what is giving me the most joy right now, and what can I do to make this sustainable?” What about all of the things that have manifested in me appreciating my time in New York are indicative of practices I need to maintain moving forward? I’m frankly pretty unsure. I’m getting better in terms of understanding the healthy life practices I can sustain as I grow. I also see where the flaws are coming from in terms of my self-reflection. But what is left for me? Where will I no longer be able to not fail myself?
So long as I give myself the chance to really believe in myself, and so long as I can really believe that I will get myself to a place I will be proud of, I think I can make it. I think this time in NYC (as with each trip) really helps me grow a bit more. It’s onto this last push to finish the quarter, but I think it’s all going to really come together well.
Being Noah Tesfaye #264: Another Adventure in My Happy Place
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