Being Noah Tesfaye #27: I Lost Control

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By the title, you can best believe that this week has been extremely difficult for numerous reasons. But rather than going into the details of everything, something I assume would only make me more frustrated about whatever went down this week, I want to take a moment to step back. I want to admit that I’ve lost control. I’ve lost the focus, the drive, the initiative that for so long I felt as though I had a strong grasp of.

Now, this could be for a whole host of reasons. My therapist thinks its because I’m basically stuck inside studying and don’t take enough time for myself. He’s probably right to some extent about that. Honestly, I think that if I did make that choice to work smarter, I could be a stronger student at points. But, every single time I do something for myself, I feel as though I am taking away from the time that I could be studying and working harder. It’s as though every single moment I want to be free and be happy, I feel like I am digging myself into a hole, when in reality, it’s this mindset I’ve lived in that is responsible for this.

For a more personal example, after studying all day long last Sunday, one of my friends asked me if I wanted to see Avengers: Infinity War, and I instantly said yes. Later that week, I could not stop yelling inside my head at myself for doing the right thing. That day, I spent nearly seven hours in this coffee shop I’m working in now studying, reviewing material, and I needed a break. But my unproductive and truly lethal mindset put me into a state of my mind that made my work that week abysmal. It was this mentality that cost me a lot this week. And I, after months, have to admit that I’ve truly lost control.

I don’t know if I mentioned this in a post, I probably did, about my Columbia professor telling me in February to stick to my principles, and live my life to those principles. One of those things I have is to work the hardest I can, but to actually take care of myself. The past few months, I’ve failed at that crucial key and principle in my life. I haven’t gone outside enough. I haven’t spent enough time with my friends outside of school. I haven’t used my time efficiently to take advantage of working, and thus, the second I come, I am burned out, and I don’t have the same excitement I’ve had for subjects I’m passionate about.

But most of all, I’ve been paralyzed with my fear of the future. I have been living my life not truly believing I can accomplish my goals and dreams. This is what stresses me out for no reason at all. For the early part of this semester, I just worked hard and always would just do the most I could everyday and accepted those results.

So where do I go from here? What can I do to ensure I can finish this year the strongest I can, but with control? For starters, I could probably work harder to get excited once again in my work and be passionate about what I do and to be proud of my work. The second and more important step would be to take better care of who I am. Going for a walk or grabbing dinner with friends, literally anything I can do that does not involve me looking at my phone or laptop is a step in the right direction.

I’ve got a few more weeks left, and I will continue to work the hardest I can. Hopefully these next few weeks can truly help make me proud of who I am. I’ll get back to the history and my coffee now. I’ll see you all next week.

Thanks for reading this week! Follow me on Twitter if you want to ever discuss anything and hear my spontaneous thoughts, and join the Silicon Valley Humanities Students Society if you’re a passionate SV humanities student who wants to join an awesome community!

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Twitter: https://twitter.com/noahbball1

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Just someone trying to share my story and find who I am, one post at a time

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