Going Dark?

Sometimes it feels a bit strange to finally get to the end.

Last week, I had no words at a time when I was seriously struggling to get a sense of what would be best to do in my life going forward. I left that day, and really the previous seven days, without any clear sense of what should come next from whatever it is that I have to do before I leave Chicago (for now). So much of how I have seen things come to an end has given me more brutally honest confrontations with what life ultimately can be like.

I asked myself in the last week about what genuinely matters to me. What are things that get me excited about waking up every day? What keeps me pushing along? And it’s feeling ever-increasingly more like I am only continuing to abandon whatever sense of self or inner desire to want to continue to have plans or productive strategies around my life. At a moment when I really thought that I could at least feel a sense of pride for this moment on Saturday, I am instead feeling only more just lost and on an island than ever before.

I think that the toughest thing about graduating college and finishing up undergrad is this point that nothing about the community you build here, or in particular how you are perceived here, will matter in five days. Sure there are small things here and there, and there are extreme cases, but the vast majority of how we are remembered will be a…