I’m Trying.

This is the first week in four years where I genuinely thought I might quit writing here.

Just give up. Never post, leave it unedited, and never give any sort of conclusion to things. I felt like this place served its purpose because for as long as I’d been writing, finding out who I am couldn’t protect me or help me deal with what I’m going through now.

I’m in too much pain, for too many things, for too many reasons, that I’m struggling with the capacity to understand what the point of all of this writing has been for if helping find myself could have alleviated even some of this. I’m struggling to grasp at what point could I have ever envisioned life going in such abrupt turns that result in you just sitting in bed, under a blanket, immobile, and wondering when you can just walk around the city with your friends again.

I don’t know how to escape this feeling of personal isolation. No who am I kidding, I know exactly what I can do to make this better. But do I? Do I want to accept the challenges it takes for me to message someone I care about with how I’m doing? Am I just being a coward and being selfish for just trying to solve all of this on my own, then getting frustrated at my responses and reactions for digging myself a deeper hole into this numb space I’m in? What happens when all of this ends, and I return a shell of the person I had truly loved and was inspired…