I woke up this morning thinking it was Thursday. That pretty much sums up how every day feels like to me now. Here have been the daily steps for much of the past week.
1. I wake up at some random time in the late morning
2. I make breakfast or just eat whatever I can find in the fridge
3. Make the trek to play Xbox
4. Get bored, change, brush my teeth, wash my face
5. Go back to Xbox
6. Read Twitter for an hour
7. Go back to the TV, maybe find some Netflix show
8. Eat dinner
9. Go back to Xbox
10. Brush my teeth, shower
11. Sleep at some time
I have repeated this semi-routine at least ten times since I’ve gotten back home. Part of me thinks this is just unproductive and a waste of time. I have the most time ever to finally devour books that I want to read, catch up with research for freelance articles, and reorganize my room. But I haven’t done much of any of these things. Much of this comes from the fact that I know that this week was my spring break. It was going to be the time where I could completely detox and feel like a potato mentally and resort to mush if needed. I was going to use this week like that, albeit in a different place than my house, but I was still going to do that. So far, I’ve followed through with this plan.
But next week, the week that has turned into our extended break, leaves quite an opening. As a result, I’ve gone back to the drawing board and attempting to figure out what I want to do every single day. I’ve started getting back into my middle school baking bag. It’s a routine that is pretty cathartic and has given me something to look forward to every single day. I got back into making myself coffee every day with a Moka pot. It’s not the same as an espresso machine of course, but it is a great way to bring back my energy of sorts. I’ve got my Oatly stocked and I’m continuing my caffeine addiction. It’s all growing in a positive way that has helped me at least begin to feel better.
But, I cannot deny the substantial increase in fear and real grief I’m starting to feel day by day. I listened to The Daily by the New York Times on Tuesday, and my heart utterly sank at the prospects of what’s going to happen. I felt helpless at the fact that there are going to be so many people I know will eventually be affected substantially by this virus, even people I already know right now. I sat for maybe an hour that day, even as I was just watching shows, just having thoughts race through my mind about how I know things will never be the way they used to be. One of my friends sent me this semi-viral article written in the Harvard Business Review, which began to help me at least begin to grow to live with this uncertainty. Slowly but surely, I’m implementing some of those methods.
The biggest way with which I’m trying to learn to deal with whatever grief I have is live in the present. I want to focus on and control what I can in the present. That is the only thing I have the power to change. That’s something that I fear, but it is just where we are in this world. I always make myself available to others and ensure that I can at least speak with others in a way that increases my transparency and furthers our relationships. I know that the future is looking bleak but I also know that I believe in the people I care about and that we can make it through this. Till next week…
Being Noah Tesfaye #124: Trying to Understand Grief
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